Not okay...

Honest post alert... 

These days I am 100% struggling with all the things. All. Of. Them. Anxiety is through the roof. Depression is threatening to drown me. PTSD of sorts. Things I thought were healed have come screaming to the surface. Pain is intolerable most days. I am utterly alone... and no where near being ok. 

I try to remember what He saved me from... utter despair and certain death by my own hand. And He did it in the most amazing, God-way, leaving absolutely no room for doubt. 

And yet I am still struggling. And I am still not ok. In many ways this place is harder than what led me to that place. 

So I remind myself... 

He has a plan. He is for me. He is good. He will finish the work He began in me. There is purpose in my suffering...and my saving. 

I wish I knew what it was. I wish I could see. 

Trying not to give into despair is exhausting. And doing it alone is gut-wrenchingly difficult. I am still in need of help after that miraculous saving, even though help seems far away and makes me feel like a burden.  

But... I won’t give up. I will remember. I will rejoice in the saving and in the suffering. And I will do it while I’m not ok...leaning into the promise that ok is coming...even if I don’t see it until eternity. 

Crystie