He sees me... Part 1

El Roi... You are the God who sees me. 

Have you ever felt invisible to everyone...even to God? Me too. The thought that God doesn't see us is a lie straight from the enemy. God loves us. And He knows and sees us even when we think He doesn't.  

He IS El Roi...  He does see me (and you).  And sometimes He goes to great lengths to assure us of that.

This is my story

Depression has been a part of my life in one form or another for as long as I can remember. And along with that...suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are so familiar that most of the time I don’t even realize they are there. Does this mean I sit around and contemplate ending my life? No. Not at all. It’s generally just a deeply ingrained thought pattern that sits alongside of every other thought I have.  There have been a few instances in my life where the thoughts were stronger than other times, but thankfully they have been fleeting...until recently. 

Living with constant chronic pain sometimes takes its toll. It gets in your head and makes you question and doubt every single thing about your life...your worth, your relationships, the goodness of God, His love, everything. And when this happens, it is an open door for the enemy. And let me tell you, he went to work overtime. About a month and a half ago I began to go through a severe bout of depression, complete with increased suicidal thoughts. It was getting harder and harder to get through my days. The enemy began taking those doubts and turning them into thoughts that, over time, began to sound more and more like truth and less like the lies that they were. And the longer it went on, the more convinced I became that they were truth. I began questioning God in anger..."Where are You?" "Why don't You see me?" "Why won't you help me?" "Why have You left me here?"  

This was a recipe for disaster.  As my doubts, anger, and questions increased, thoughts of ending my life also increased. I was miserable, convinced that death was the only way out. It got so bad that I started begging God every night to not allow me to wake up from sleep. And the next morning when I did wake up, I would be even angrier. Instead of seeing it as a gift that He allowed me to wake up, it only fueled my anger and made the lies and doubts, and accusations that I hurled at Him seem even more real. This went on for about a week and half before I finally reached out for counseling with a trusted friend and mentor. Thankfully we have the type of relationship where I can be gut-honest...and I was. I told her where I was and she counseled and loved and guided me back to scripture. And for a few days it seemed to help. But by mid-week, the darkness was back and closing in faster than I could communicate. I felt as if I were drowning, and I wanted out. 

By Thursday of that week, I was done. I could not fight anymore. I was continuing to beg God to end my life. I was growing angrier and angrier every time I woke up to yet another morning without that prayer being answered. I came to the conclusion that the only way out was to take matters into my own hands. The horrifying thing is, that once I truly succumbed to that thought, I was flooded with this overwhelming sense of peace.

Being someone that has been plagued with suicidal thoughts my whole life, I have often wondered what it was that allowed people to give themselves over to those thoughts and to actually go through with taking their own life. It is that sense of peace. Hear me when I say this...It is a false peace!!! I know that now, but in the moment I could not tell the difference. And once I gave myself over to the idea, I began shutting down. Nothing else mattered. There were no thoughts that maybe there was a better way. There were no thoughts of those I would leave behind. There were no attempts to continue to reach out for help. Nothing. I was done. There was only the thought of relief that would come. I was completely sold out to the idea. I thought if God didn't love me enough to help me, then I would just do it myself.  By that Friday, it was a done deal in my mind. Now, I did not have an active, thought out plan, but as I sit here today, I can tell you it was only a matter of days...maybe even hours. And I honestly don't know that I would have even taken the time to sit and think long enough to make a plan. I believe it would have been an, in the moment kind of decision, and it would have be over.

The people close to me...and even some that weren't so close,  began to really sense that something was wrong, but I had completely shut them out. My best friends, my counselor/mentor...they all knew something was wrong and they were reaching out the best they could, but I was the one shutting them out. I didn't want to hear what they had to say about God and how much He loved me. I didn't want to hear how much they loved me. In fact, the enemy had me totally convinced of the opposite.

That Friday while I was at work, I got a seemingly random FB message from an acquaintance. She invited me to a prayer group meeting that was going to be taking place at her house that evening. I immediately rolled my eyes and said, "I ain't going to that. Why would I want to go to a prayer meeting at a stranger’s house with people I don't know? God doesn't even care about me." I didn't immediately answer her... I couldn't even find the words to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." In the meantime, I had friends who continued to reach out, and I continued to ignore them. I just didn't have the words to respond anymore. I was convinced they didn't understand. After about 3 hours I sent a response back to the FB message thanking her for the invite and explaining that I wasn't in a good place and wasn't really up for company. I thought that would be the end of it, but she immediately responded back and pushed and said that she felt like the Holy Spirit had wanted her to invite me. I was aggravated.  I mean, how could I say no to that??? UGH! So with much eye rolling, I told her I would be there. I committed to go but I was so angry about it and did not want to follow through.

When it was time to leave work and head to the prayer meeting I was filled with so much dread. If you know me, you know that I do not do well in crowds...especially if I don't know anyone. And I don't do well feeling vulnerable. And I'm a runner...meaning I tend to run from those types of situations. I kept trying to talk myself into just ditching the invite and going home. After all, I really didn't know this girl...what would it matter? But I continued driving to her house. Compelled to go.

This is how much God knows about us. He knows I'm a runner, so immediately upon pulling into her driveway, a car pulled in on either side of me and one behind me. I was completely blocked in. I would have had to cause a scene to get out at that point. Again, He knew I'd rather die than call attention to myself. I sat in my car until the last possible minute before going in.  My friend welcomed me to her home and directed me to the seat she had promised she would save for me.  I was so uncomfortable. I was nervous. I was sick to my stomach. And I wanted to go home. But I felt stuck. I reached out to my counselor/friend to let her know where I was and why, and she told me that it sounded like God had me there for a reason and encouraged me to focus on Him. I'll admit, I probably rolled my eyes at that too. 

As the evening began, my friend's husband gave us a little bit of direction for how the night would go...first we would worship, then he had something He wanted to share, and then we would pray for the persecuted church and however else the Lord led. Great. Just how someone who was angry at God wanted to spend her evening. 

As the music began to play, I could feel the tears welling up to the surface again. I did not want to cry in front of those people. So I began shouting at God in my heart, "Why am I here? What is the point of this? You don't care about me. You don't love me, etc." On and on it went...worship music and me hurling doubts and questions at God. After worship we had a short devotion from the book, The Insanity of God, about a man who was imprisoned for his faith for over 15 years and the miraculous way God met and ministered to him in that prison during the darkest hour of his life. Again I spewed at God..."If You can do that for Him, why can't You let me know You see me? Why can't You let me know You love me?"  The group moved into prayer time. They prayed for those persecuted for their faith, they prayed for one another, they prayed for an upcoming mission trip...all the while I was continuing to shout at Him in my heart.

After a few minutes of prayer, my friend told everyone that she would like to pray for me. She told them I was having a hard time, and that I suffered from chronic pain like she did. Keep in mind, she had NO idea what was really going on with me. We didn't know each other. She just felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to invite me and pray with me. (We are planning to somehow tell both sides of the story together in the near future, so stay tuned.)  Even as she began to pray, I was still shouting my doubts and questions at God...until the very words I was shouting at Him began coming out of her mouth. She placed her hand on my knee and said, "Lord, you DO see Crystie. You DO love her, You have NOT forgotten about her." I stopped dead in my tracks and began to cry. I could not believe the things she was praying. They were literally every doubt and question, and bits of anger that I had thrown at Him over the last few weeks and in the last few moments. She prayed for me to feel His presence, to know He loves me. She prayed for peace in my heart and for healing from my physical pain. I was crying at this point. There was another lady seated next to me who had her arm around me, and said she felt like there was something holding onto me, holding me back, like there was a wall around my heart...she said she thought we should pray again. And as she began praying, my whole body began to shake, I was crying and shaking and then it just stopped. I felt it the very instant the enemy let go...they did too. I was immediately flooded with peace...REAL peace! And in that moment, I recognized the difference. I knew I had been deceived. Now my tears were those of thankfulness and relief. After a few more moments of praying specifically for my pain, the focus began to shift to others in the room who were also in need of prayer. I could not even focus. I was stunned at how God had met me and couldn't wrap my mind around it. Slowly the group began to shift from praying to chatting with one another, to more little pockets of prayer here and there. I wanted to leave...but I was still blocked in. God really does have a sense of humor. While I waited, I reached back out to my counselor/mentor who was overjoyed at what had taken place.  I also waited because I wanted to thank my friend for inviting me. When I finally had the opportunity, I told her how close to taking my life I had been, and that her obedience in inviting and pushing literally saved my life. She began to cry and shared what I said with the other lady who had prayed for me, and they prayed again before I left. 

 I had NO idea that there was so much more to my story...our story that I didn't know. And how in the coming weeks, we would learn something new almost daily that showed us how intertwined our stories have been and continue to be.

 I am so very thankful for her obedience.  I am thankful for the friendship she and I now have. I am thankful for the great lengths God went through to reveal Himself to me that night, and in the weeks that have followed.

 There is more to our story. Stay tuned for part 2 and prepare to be amazed at how God had been working behind the scenes in both of our lives in the weeks leading up to this night. 

 For now I want to leave you with this... if you or someone you know is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts... Get help now! Get them help now! That peace you are feeling is NOT real. It is a lie from the pit of hell! I would be more than happy to talk to you, to pray with you, to share my whole story, or to point you in the direction of solid biblical counseling. Please do not listen to the lies the enemy might be whispering in your ear. Call out to Jesus...yell at Him if you have to, but call out to Him. He will answer you. I promise.

 He loves you. He is El Roi...the God who see YOU.

 Much love,

Crystie